The random urge to write has siezed me.

Its humorous how life has changed, the different roads we have taken and the off-beat paths that some of us have even chose to wander.

It makes we wonder where I will be five years from now, Still on the same path? Or will I have taken another path less traveled by?

I have watched many people come and go through my life, some of them affecting me with lasting results, and some of them as though they were just ghosting by, gone as quick as they were there.
Some of them disappear for years & it never fails that we find our way back to each other.

I couldn't be a happier woman, sitting here in the morning gloom at the computer. Because when Chev puts his arms around me, I feel.

I know its a wonderful life, and I am thankful for every mistake, every minute of turmoil and every good or bad thing in my life.

Because at this moment, I am happy, My winding off-beat trail has brought me home.


-S

Well Good Morning!

Hm, Well, I just don't know what to write about today.

The thoughts in my head are a little scatter-brained & I told everyone that has this that I would keep them updated on my life.

Last time I wrote was the 14th, since then I have worked, and worked and worked. Oh, And I got a brand new HTC Incredible S. Which is an INCREDIBLE phone. Its all touch-screen and purrrdy. I enjoy it ever so much.

I'm putting off dishes & popping into work to send my order. But I have to get that done quick, When my coffee is done I suppose.

Things are going well though, I am enjoying life. Despite being very tired. I've been working six day weeks. Don't take that the wrong way, I am NOT complaining, I love it. I feel so, well, Happy.

I rather quite enjoy this life, and I'm glad that I made this move. I keep saying it, that this was the best decision that I've ever made for me. I'm just proud of myself.

After all the shit I've been through in my life, and the thousand times I've heard that I'd never be something or do anything or amount to anything... well.. Look at me now Fuckers. Here I am. I'm running a buisness, have a great man, a great house, great family & I couldn't ask for better, I could bug life to get my great friends here, but thats what facebook is good for, and texting. Its like they are all here anyways. I just miss seeing them thats all.

I got to talk to Stacey (or text with her) She is doing well. And I am proud of her. <3

I can't wait to get to hometown and visit. I can, but I can't. I miss my sister & the kidlettes & even Darin too! Haha. Of course I miss you too Darin!
It shall be a good visit. I am excited.

I am also excited about life in general. Got some big news!

Chev gave me a house key. :D

I am so happy, I couldn't have been more excited yesterday. I was all bouncy and happy & WoooHoo!!

I know we haven't been together long, but I can honestly say that I've never had this connection with someone. Its so deep & intense, and it makes sense. I definitely <3 my Chevy.
I even got up before him & put the coffee on. Since when do I ever get out of bed first?!

Since now! And I love it!

Haha. Anyways, I should go get ready for my day, I've got some running around to do before Chev & I go build sandcastles.

Can't wait, so excited!

I'm lovin' life, and so should you!!

-S

Yeah, I can scrub a bathroom clean & Still look fucking amazing.

I don't have the words to quite explain how much I'm actually enjoying my life.

For once I'm not just telling myself I'm happy & hoping that it will come true. I stopped looking for happiness, because its not something you can create until you are alright with yourself.

I've battled a long time with myself, and the senseless situations in my life, and for once, I've emerged to a beautiful place a stronger & smarter person.

I made a choice, and it changed my life. I'm forever changed by that decision as it has brought me home.

After all, they say home is where the heart is.

I couldn't be happier, even on horrible days I'm still laughing and smiling.

I've got a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing job & a beautiful home. My life is successful. And I've finally got someone who enjoys my paper-airplane crazy-ness. My Sammy-ness as Amy calls it. This change of pace is exactly what my life required.

I've cleaned kitchens & bathrooms & I've made things sparkle of late, and all because I honestly want to. Its appreciated. Which is a HUGE change for me. I've never had someone in my life that says 'thanks' for the little things I do. It just adds to the want to do them, because I suppose, well, I just want to.

After all, its the little things that mean the most.

I miss my friends back in the little town. I think of them everyday, and I'm glad for facebook, excellent way to keep updated on eachothers lives.

Anywhoo enough for now.

Enjoy the wonder of life, Its absolutely beautiful!

-S

Tattoos, Guitars & Hard Work :)

Well, its been way to long since ive written.
But i need internet to do it, and I just got it now.

Don't remember the last time i wrote, but I'll just go back to the start of good news. xD

I got a job managing a gas station. It has the convenience store & liquor sales with it. Busy busy store. BUT well worth. Nothing I can't handle. & Then I rented a place, two bedrooms, Mum & Dad can stay with me in the winter months that way when its too cold on the boat. :)

Its a beautiful place! All bright and open & there is giant windows in the living room & its just absolutely lovely in the morning :) and evening. and just all day long :)

Its wonderful :)

Had a few hiccups in life/work since I've been here. Had to hire people, had to get Dad to the hospital twice. But I've got through them with a smile and some quick thinking.

The best thing I think I've ever done for me was moving here. I've found a good job, and a great house and I'm meeting some wonderful people. :)

I'm all smiles & back to the way that I always have been & love being.

I'm enjoying life :)

Loooooooooovvveeee it <3

-S

Its been crazy.

Well, interview today. Goodluck to me.
Then visit dad in the hospital. Oh dad, sometimes you scare me shitless. Get better papbear <3 I love you. Sending all my best wishes to youuuu.
And then home again home again. to make phone calls and update everyone on whats going on.
So much to do.
Oh and organzie stuff to go on boat vs storage. And then pack the boat. And hopefully I will get a day of sunshine so I can put that second coat on the boat for dad, that way he doesnt have to stress out.. Yes yes indeed.

Lots to do, no time to waste. so I will write later

-S

Hm.Poem

I wish I had the words to tell you,
what I really want to,
like how simple things could really be.
I wish that I could tell you,
whats really on my mind.
But I'll just have to suffice in being,
just your distant friend.
I feel like I've known you,
for longer than I have.
Which leads to silly daydreams
in every second thought.
I wish that I could tell you,
its going to be okay,
and yesterdays don't matter,
'cause we have eachother today.
And in all these silly ramblings,
I've advoided the whole point.
In the plot of this whole story,
I adore you a whole lot.



-S

"Waitin' for you, to come on home, and turn me on"

Listened to Norah Jones in the car today... Made me happy :)

Got up, painted boat with dad. Felt like I accomplished something. Went online to look for jobs while I wait for my aunty to print off resumes for me (I'm lacking a printer at the moment), found some excellent job opportunities. :) Quite excited about it.

Hopefully they work out well. They only wanted resumes either 1) faxed in or 2) emailed in. So I did that, with cover letter and resume. (I do have an internet connection here! yaye!)

Hopefully they call and I get an interview and a job. That would be awesome. It would be great to get a job and not have to wait for EI to come in. It would mean that I work all summer and don't get a chance to go to hometown to visit... But setting up a life here and possibly going just for a weekend in the summer will be much more satisfying than being stuck on ei.

Heres hoping!

-S

I wrote this tonight

She told herself she didn’t want to write about you tonight because shes not sure she trusts her own emotions; You are at the forefront of her brain once again. When shes got the time to think you are revived in her mind. She does not take the time to contemplate these words; no point in trying to display them eloquently. They are words on a page.

She realizes the time is late and she should sleep. Unfortunately she lacks the ability to tell you she wants to grow old by your side. So she’ll write the many words here instead. She thinks of the short time you had together and wonders how she can base all these emotions on those couple encounters. The conversations never stopped and even though she is miles from you, they still continue.

She worries because you talk of making big life changes, and you keep them secret. She ponders wether the way she feels would change anything in your plans. Fate has a way of working; the words she uses to comfort herself. In love shes failed many times; Shes stopped trying. Shes yearning for something real to find her for once.

Its odd to think, she says shes given up, but if she were to flip a coin for a life with or without you, she knows what she’d secretly be hoping for. Theres a longing in her heart. She’ll never open her mouth and risk the hurt with you though. Arguments are posed inside her mind, she argues a relationship could never work because of the distance. She listens to her brain screaming back; her reasoning is absurd. Should these emotions be real and meaningful, the distance wont matter. She understands that voice is right. She wants you to take her hand, and show her.

She supposes you’ll never be able to prove her right if she never says anything, but she doesn’t want to face defeat again.

If you said no, you’d shatter her heart, therefore she is content to just be around you.

-S

Random story I wrote last night.

My heart flutters with anticipation. His hand reaches out to mine; ever so carefully I take it. Oh how this slight touch sends chills through my body. Now, passion that words could not describe fills me. I gaze into his eyes, his smiling delicate eyes. He peers at me back, and I wonder if its really me he is thinking of. But for now I am content with this hand. A hand seemingly carved from stone. I can feel the rough calouses and I can hear the stories they tell. They tell me volumes about this man. A man dedicated to work, to life, to this love.


A smile flutters accross his mouth and he leans in to kiss me. I taste his lips, soft and delicate against mine; they say I love you. A smile now touches the corner of his mouth again, and I can not help but smile back. For the moment we share is a whole new world for both of us. We say our vows.


I study him as the sun beats down and he toils with his hands. He labours not out of nesecity but out of love. Love for the family we are starting. He glances over his shoulder at me and smiles. A smile that fills me with joy and peace. How did I end up so lucky?


We sit in the den and take in our in child play. His rough caloused hand in mine. His lips still soft and delicate. His smile still warm and inviting. We grow with our child through the years, our feelings changing, but never losing their initial passion.


Now as I glance at him I can see how the years working in the sun have ravaged his face; to me he is still handsome. More so now than the day I met him. I once again take his hand; the same rough calouses. These hands built so much. They toiled and ached, they have been bruised and pained. Yet he did it all with no complaint. These hands of his, now cold in mine, built our house, and fed the fires of our love. Now they are cold with age, and death meets him at our door. And like an old friend come to call, I can only smile; a wifes knowing smile, and let his caloused hand go.



-S

SunShiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Sun is shining today.

Happy day.

Coffee, smoke, get ready.. Off to see Mike and catch up and have a drink for st.Patricks day.

File EI again tomorrow.

Hopefully money comes in next week.

Hopefully get to visit hometown friends next week.

Today is a good day.

Baha.

Muchloves.

-S

Up & Downs; And thats why Life is a Rollercoaster.

So, down of the day: not going back to hometown to visit this week. Will go next week. Hopefully. All depends on when money comes through.

Up of the day: Going out to Campbell river tomorrow for the night to visit my old Highschool friend Mike. Shall be nice to grab a beer and catch up.
Up of the day: Fixed my hair, went to the beach with mum and she took some really nice photos on me, and visited with Granny.

All in all, Delightful day. Will be delightful indeed when I get to go to hometown and visit again, Sure do miss some certain people there.

So my girlfriend Stacey is off to Ontario now. I shall miss her even more. Thank god for facebook, we shall not lose contact atleast, even if we both break or lose our phones (baha, we're prone to do that) oH sNAP. Baha. Miss ya beautiful... Good luck in all your adventures and I hope that it all works out for you. You diserve the world <3.

Still trying to convince my Amy-ness to move out here. I even found the Yellowbrick road today. Posted a picture to show her... But she made me speachless when she told me I was her yellowbrick road. Always leading her to happiness and such. She makes me glee.

Yess, I just said she makes me glee. There is not many other words that I can use to describe how full of joy and love and hope and everything she makes me. I have to break down and say it, she is my bff. Yes thats right. I said bff. Bestfriend forever. I was to lazy to type it before. but i did it just there. now deal with it. Amy makes me glee.

Hope Brians phone still works tomorrow. been iffy lately. haha. He makes me smile when i feel down and lonely. Texts me and reminds me that its all going to work out. Thanks Bri. You rock. :)

Don't know who the hell actually reads my posts. Dont really care much either I suppose. I said it in the very very first post... I write these for me.

Anyways. I was kind of pouty this morning. but between family and wonderful friends I'm much happier.

Now if my feet would retain some warmth and quit playing dead I would be much happier. baha.

Well I suppose I should sleep. I wont be blogging tomorrow because I will be in campbell River. Will blog upon my return.

MuchlovesReaders

xoxo

-S

Swing Life Away.

So, Japans had earthquakes, and tsunamis and they're nuculear plants are malfunctioning and blowing up. And we're facing Radiation leaks. And by facing I mean that radiation leaks are happening.
Life is scarey. I just get here, to the Island, and things are supposed to be changing for the better. I make a choice that is good for me, and the world decides that its going to hell... Screw you world. Now is not the time to take a turn for the worst.
You can try to make me run and hide, But even if I go to visit, I'm still coming back here. I am still going to come back and live my life. You don't get to make this choice for me world. You don't get to do this to me.
I know this is coming accross as a woe is me entry. And guess what it is. I get here, japan pretty well sinks. VIU goes on strike, my EI is taking its sweet as time coming through, my Tax return isnt in yet either. The weather is shit. Theres a list of things ten fucking feet long and look at it world. Take a fucking look at it. I'm still here. I'm still trying.
Now heres a question to the rest of everyone else out there. What are you doing to change? I don't drive needlessly, I car pool when I can, I don't leave needless lights on, I try not to waste things, I make meals me sized, I recylce, I try not to buy wasteful products. I'm trying to do my part. I'm trying. And what is everyone else doing?
Where are we going?
You know why this is all happening don't you? Because unless things like this happen, no one seems to care. You think with all those crazy enviromental disaster movies out there like "the day after tomorrow", "2012" and even those crazy low budget ones that look cheesy, we'd be making more of an effort to do better than what we are now.
But no.

I guess we're just so appathetic to the world and how things are that we don't believe they'll ever change. Well guess what. WE ARE THAT CHANGE THE WORLD NEEDS.

This is not the world I oneday want to leave to my unborn children. Should there be a world left for me to have them in. I don't want to be a zombie invaded world when I should be having children. I'll be a mean old hag then, and then you fuckers can all watch out... Sammy will deffinatly have some anger issues then.

I'm so mad. Just when I think things should go good, and that things are going to pick up. I have to worry about how the major winds are prevailing and this nuclear fallout from Japans nuclear meltdown because should they release lots of nuclear matter into the air, it can carry accross the ocean to us, here on the island. And that news my friends, fucking sucks.

Doesn't matter where we go, in essance no one is safe then. If it gets in the air we're all pretty well screwed. So tell me my friends, Mr. Government & Your associates, Mr. Nuclear power lobbiest and such, How is this is benificial to the planet? Even if disasters like this are few and far between, The risk, how does the reward outway the risk? And I'm not going to even start in on all the nuclear waste that is produced from these facilities... You can't tell me that its all dealt with properly... How do you even deal with it properly?

I'm sure all this nuclear testing, and nuclear power and waste and things that we have created are the reason that things are getting so bad. Such as our thinning Ozone layer and global warming. You can't tell me that global warming is a joke either, when 100 years ago Niagra falls froze over....completely. And could you imagine that now? HA! Please.

I'm not some scientist, with a giant scientisty brain. I'm a 21 year old woman, who has watch the world infront of me crumble. And with the advanced technology we have, I have stayed updated on it. I have kept well informed.

And though my thoughts may not flow out of my finger tips in an organized and well put together way, it doesn't change what I'm saying. It doesn't change the fact that what I've said is true.

Eventually, we are going to end up like one of those bad horror flicks that we watch in a movie theatres, and everyones going to wonder why.

And I will still be here saying that we all, even me, had a part in it. But it should be up to our government to make a change for the better, and make a change for the world. We are that change. We have to be.

But so far, as far as I can see, we are being let down... and we are letting the world down. We need to assist yes, but we need to find new and innovate ways to power the world other than what we have. and we need to make a change to preserve what we have. Not let all these devastating events ruin us.

But after all is said and done. nothing will happen. After all, who would ever listen to a 21 year old woman with no scientific degree?

No one, and thats sad. Because I haven't lost sight of what its like to live in the real world.

-S

(Post Script: That real world by the way, is down here, where the average person lives.)

Its okay because We Have Webbed Feet & Lead Umbrellas.

In a rather weird mood today.

Slightly upset. Miss home... where ever that is. Miss having friends. Dads not doing the best. Very down. Very emotional. Finding this all very hard to deal with.

Im moaping today.

Thinking maybe I'll make it into merritt for the 17th. Need to find someone to pick me up at the ferry though. Ho-hum. I've got a couple days to organize and figure it all out. Don't know what to do. Don't know.

I'm upset today. Upset. Sad. Happy. Emotional.

Emotional indeed.

-S

Another Day, Another Dollar.

Or twenty. Hahaha.

I felt rather lonely today. As I do not know really know anymore on the Island, I don't have much to do with my days. Looked for work and applied for some jobs online today. Suppose that maybe tomorrow I should take drive into Nanaimo and apply for some jobs... But y'know... If my EI came in... then I wouldn't be in such a rush.

Haha quaint idea that it. I hate not working. Yes I suppose it'd be nice to be able to laze around and not do a whole lot of anything...but I'm chomping at the bit to get back to work... I miss working.

So in light of being bored and lonely and all the changes... I decided to change my hair. It was supposed to be chocolate brown on top, and vanilla on the bottom... like the underside of my hair was supposed to be vanilla blonde... But my hair is so dark naturally that it didn't really work... just sort of turned orange.... Suppose I'll have to pick up a cheap package of hair bleach in the morning. Maybe. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up and like the orangey red colour.

So anyways. It was monday today. I got to wear my new " I :( Mondays " tee. Pretty stoked about that... And I realized that in about 16 days I'll be living on the sailboat with mum and dad going "what was I thinking?!" The ferry makes me seasick for christ-sake. But ohwell. It shall be ever so adventurous.

No one believed me when I said that I was going to leave that little town, move to the Island, get my life together. But look at me now. Randomly packed up my things, gone and moved.. and in about a week and a half I'll be living on a sailboat.

Take that non-believers!

Maybe I've gone and taken things a step to far... BUT Well... Christ, I couldn't go on forever there now could I? I mean, I could've. I could've gone to school there and I could've stayed there... But that place... I don't know. I grew up there, its my home town. I didn't want to grow old and die there.

I crave adventure. And thats just what I'm getting. The story might be a little slow on the pick up right now. But I'm sure it'll become rather intriguing and infatuating later on. Very shortly. Never takes me long to figure it out and pick up the pace.

I do miss all my friends. I know. So repetitive of late. Boohoo Sammy misses her friends. Well guess what, I DO! So there. (and yes Sarah, I miss you too. I include you in my friends because you are my sister, and therefore the best of these aforementioned friends! :P Take that... oh and HV! Bahaha )

Anyways, of no importantace or relevance to anything, I'd like to say now that I've lost my train of thought.

-S

Rain, when you leave... Take this headcold with you!

So, I got my camera working now. YAYE! I can take photos! Super stoked for that... And it only cost me 10$ (well 11 something) to get the charger for my battery. And then i got some more shirts (cause yes...apparently i need those).

So anyways, yesterday I went shopping, today we have dinner with Grandpa and Aunty Susan. Roast beef I believe? Anyways, would be much better if my head wasn't all messed up with this stupid headcold.

Totally unfair to by the way! I get here and I get sick! Ugh! I knew I shouldn't have left all my neocitran at Sarahs. hahaha

So I find it very hard to put together outfits to cover all my tattoos. Its only for when im around Granny and Grandpa....but its still complicated....as I've been so used to showing them off lately. haha.

Ohwell, Yesterday I got a compliment from Granny... She likes my style :) Booya!
So today im sitting here - i didnt get up til 1pm.- and im enjoying, yes, ENJOYING my cup of chemicals and writing to whoever reads this.
My life ins't very interesting so far. I have no friends here to write of yet. Got to chat a bit to my cousin yesterday. I should harass him to introduce me to some people...he's only a year or two younger than me. Hm, brilliant idea, for next time I talk to him :)

So I've been texting alot with Brian, most of my other conversations with friends from that place have been through facebook. Seems most everyones forgot my number. 'sept for Stacey, she texts me too. I miss everyone so much! Friggin' hell! But I had to go do this, because its better for everything. :) Besides, all those f*ckers will have to roadtrip down to visit me! And then we can party on the beach and go camping. Best place to camp = Vancouver Island!! There, so take that!

I don't know what life holds for me, but I have decided that I'm Fly-paper for Freaks. It always seems that I tend to attract some of the creepiest people. Dustin and Stu knows that one from when we were sitting in the bar and the creepy B.F.I with the black-eye wouldn't leave us alone. I don't know, I'll deffinatly miss it there. I deffinatly do. Even if I was fly paper for freaks there. I don't seem to be here. Like I wrote last time, I met a nice guy on the ferry. Don't have his number or anything, but he was nice, didn't appear to be a freak. Maybe things are changing for me here. Maybe I'll be fly-paper for normal people.... I think that'd be rather boring, so maybe it'll just be for semi-normal/slightly-freakish people. Hahaha.

Only I could write something as retarded as that and get away with it.

Anyways, my back hurts and my head it "ugh" (thats the only way to explain it!) so I'm going to go.

PEACE!

-S

Day One

Its cold here. Not cold like mean cold, or cold like Alberta cold. Cold like a wet cold. To the bone. Theres a chill that I'm not used to. And it rains alot. Hahaha.

No! I am not complaining, not one bit. I love it. I love this rain forest I live in now. Its beautiful.

I had a good day today, got to visit my Granny (my mums mum) and my Grandpa (my dads dad) and got a slight visit from my Aunty Debbie (my mums sister).
Pretty sure I made her think I'm schizophrenic because I said that Japan sunk because I moved to the island, that whole butterfly effect thing y'know. Hahaha I was totally kidding... But I'm pretty sure she thought I was serious.

Teehee Its quite the sense of humour I have these days.

I greatly miss my sister and friends. I'm not lonely, but I do miss their company. I miss you all so much.

Anyways, I'm making dinner with Mum tonight, pork chops, creamed corn (regular corn for Dad, as he dislikes creamed corn very much), salad, and scalloped potatoes(and a baked potato for Dad, as he is not fond of scalloped potatoes either, haha). Yummm :)

Just waiting for dinner to be ready now.

Today was rather uneventful. Tomorrow hopefully I'll get into Nanaimo to see if I can get a charger or a battery for my camera...Then I can post pictures. :) Pictures always seem to make my days more eventful.

Love Peace & Chicken Grease! Bahahah

-S

And The Journey Truly Begins!

Well Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am on the Island. I am no longer in that little shitbox of a town. My journey has begun. I am sad to leave behind my sister and my good friends, but the memories we have made will last a life time... plus I know we will have more to come!

This isn't a goodbye to them. It is an end of a chapter in my life, yes, but not a goodbye, they will not be forgotten, nor will they be ignored. And time will tell me who my true friends are.

Eitherway. I'm super excited. I'm here with my Mum & Dad, yayyeeee. And tomorrow I get to go see Grandpa. I haven't seen Grandpa in almost a year. Crazy eh? Anyways, I'm happy that I get to take some time to me, and enjoy a little bit of life and get situated on the island before I start my job hunt and looking for a house.

- - -

So the trip down? HELL!! the first leg of my journey cw road. That was fine. Sun was shining roads were good. Amazing. Hit the highway..... It was a little slushy. No biggie. Get up larson hill... BAM Right before the top of larson hill...... SNOW. Road conditions crap for my shitty tires. Just.... not good. Rain, which turned into snow, which turned into sleet and made the roads slushy. Ugh it was a gongshow.

Mothernature was testing me to see how badly I wanted to go. Well Mothernature... I made it to the ferry in 3 and a half hours. SAFELY.

So then I get on the ferry, no delays. Go up, go to the cafeteria... and boom, not open BUT there was no one else in line yet, so I was the first to get my food. Ate that in like five mins flat.
Decided I needed an after food smoke (ya, I know, bad habit!) went up to the deck, not paying attention to anything, this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me.

Him: "Did you see the dolphins?"
Me: "No I must have missed them. Damn, that would have been so neat!"
H: "No, they're still here!" -points- "Come see!"
M: "Ohmy! Wow!"

we get to chatting, but im to lazy to put the whole conversation down. We chatted for most of the ferry ride. He was a cutie. I made a ferry friend :)

Then when I got off the ferry, and back onto the highway.... it started to piss down rain, and it was a sketchy drive.

Guess I'm going to have to get used to the rain. Hm, So far... its been an interesting trip. And Im rather excited to see what each day after this holds.

Things are looking up.

-S

Last Night In This Place.

Well, Here it is.

The Last Night Here.

Its kind of sad. Ive grown rather fond of this stupid little town. And I grew quite fond of the friendships I started to make here. I am deffinatly going to miss everyone (mostly).

I feel sad, but at the same time, I feel so relieved to get going. I don't want to be stuck here for my entire life. There is so much more world to see, and so many more places to live.... But I don't want to leave my friends either. Ive made some good ones here.

But I guess thats the point isnt it. Life is a journey and its all about sharing that journey with people. Even though I'm going alone, I have so many memories shared with people here, and I'll stay in contact with them.

Im happy to say that Ive made a couple more friends that when I come back, whenever that is, when we meet up, itll be like no time has past at all, and we can pick up that conversation that we didnt finish before I left.

Friends like that are few and far between.

So heres hoping that all works out... I know it will :)

Catch-ya on the flipside

- - - Post Script.... Watch out for the H.V! Bahahahahahahhahahah.

-S

Perhaps, I May Have Been Gutless Today.

Yes, as I already stated. Perhaps it was I who was slightly gutless today.

I had the chance to talk to jerkface, and figure all this out. And when the time came... All I could think was "Do I really want to know? Really Sammy,.. Do you want to know"

And judging by the fact that there wasn't much said other than:

Me: "what was with the facebook message a couple days ago?"
Him: "what message?" -worried look on his face-
Me: "The one that was all 'if you love something let it go... if it comes back, its yours.....im still waiting' .... That message...."
Him: "Oh shit.. sorry Sammy, I was really fucked up when I wrote that......" -Wont make eye contact...at all-
Me: "well...then....uhm.... The drunken messages really have to stop......"
Him: "you staying for dinner?"
Me: "Naw, Feel like spagetti...probably just go home and make it for everyone there..."
Him: "K, well if you feel like hangin out or watching a movie... or talking later.... We should probably talk later once things quiet down around here...."
Me: "Ya.... See ya later."

Judging by that. I don't know. I don't want to know anymore. I don't want to have a conversation thats going to do anything. Today, I'd prefer to just leave it as it is. Nothing. But now, atleast hopefully... The drunken messages will stop. Which will in turn. Make this all easier.

Leaving next week.

That'll be much easier as well if all these drunken messages stop.



I hope.


-S

Werewolves? Phst. Vampires? Please. Lawyers? Eeek!

Well... I've finished the book that I had set aside for this week and the ferry. What the fuck to do now?

Oh right, deal with life. That is after all what I read to escape. Haha.

- - -

So anyways, now that I've thrown that out there... The whole point of this post really wasn't about finishing my book at all, well, not totally. The book just reminded me that I can't just sit around and be that freak that never deals with problems.

Yeah, in otherwords, quit waiting for the conversation to come to me. The problem wont be solved unless I file the paperwork to get the correct information.... so to speak anyways...

So here it is. I finish my book (good book, I'd recommend it to anyone. "Howling" By Tom Holt. ) and I remember, oh yeah, guess its time to close those accounts, finish up this nasty buisness, and get paid.... once again so to speak.

Jerkface is sort of my Allshapes account....Wont balance right, can't close it off. Been trying to figure it out for years. Well fuck it. I'm tired of working on it now. I've remember what lifes all about again. Not sitting in some shabby little office trying to make the words work. Nope.

I'm just going to jump out there, run full tilt at it, and find out whats really there. Tried that once in a round-a-bout sort of way. Failed miserably. But hey, wasn't really prepared for the case. Didn't have the perspective that I do now.

So I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I filed the paperwork today. In the form of a message to Jerkface that simple stated something along the lines of this (not an exact quote):

"We need to have a serious conversation. You can decide when. Never is of course an acceptable answer, as it will speak volumes."

And then look at that, time to clock out for the day. An answer, as in "lets go for coffee tomorrow" or "how does now sound?" or something along those lines, means guidlines will be set out, along the lines of, "if you'd like to keep telling me you love me, then be with me...If you don't want to be with me, quit being so full of 'you have my soul' 'i love you' junk"....Never, on the other hand, means one of two things: 1) Jerkface is really a chickenshit or 2) He never really meant anything he said.

Either way...fine by me. Atleast I'll know, and can be content with whatever the outcome is. I didn't lie about it. Hide feelings, mask them, act.....lawyer-ish about the situation...possibly. But lie about it? run from it? No.

Not this time. I'm standing the ground I have, because I'm not going to leave with what ifs in my head and possible regrets to follow.

So here it is world.... Heres what I've become. Because I've had to. I've morphed into a sort of Lawyer-ish creature... the worst monster of all. And I believe I'm better for it.

-S

I Turned It Off, To Be A Better Person

Lately there are many things that I have been doing with my life... That I'd prefer if I didn't. I'm leaving to fix these problems, because I know I'm better than that.

Tonight I shut my phone off, because what was offered to me, was done in such a way...that it made me feel like that was the only reason people wanted to be around me, like it was the only thing that could bring me out. Like I was just a party friend.

A party is great and all, and party friends are great and all. But when I say I'm with my family, my sister, her husband, and the children, respect that please. Especially seeing how I've only got a week left in town before I venture off.

When I say I'm staying home "oh but we've got...." Isn't going to make me come out and play. Honestly, the reply should be "alright Sammy, see ya tomorrow :) " or some such shit.

"oh but we've got....."

Yeah well I got to spend a night sober, with my nieces and nephew. We played Uno. I held the baby. Can't hold the baby for two days if I went for the "well we got..." type thing.

All I'm saying is, maybe that text came across the wrong way, and my emotions on it are out of place.... But my friends, should know that when I say no, my mind is made up, and trying to convince me to come out with booze and other such things is not going to work.
Especially when I look at Sienna, my 3 month old niece.

I'm happy. I got to sit here, at the kitchen table and have fun with Angel, Owen, Sienna, and my sister Sarah. I got to laugh with Sarah, laugh like I haven't laughed in a little while, straight from the belly, almost causing tears. I got to have a day, that I will enjoy.

I don't need something to enhance my happiness.... When I have such a wonderful family.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at anyone, I'm not saying their idiots. I'm all for their choices. All I'm asking is; That if I say no, I'm not coming out tonight. Please don't try to convince me otherwise, or make me feel like I'm going to be missing out on some grand adventure.

I had a grand adventure tonight, listening to three beautiful children laugh and by getting to play card games with them.

I've had an amazing day, and an amazing evening.

And now dear friends.... I am off to finish my book. Because it is amazing and insightful and I enjoy reading more than anything.... and I've found the time for it today....

Save travels.

-S

Mother Nature.... Fuck You Too.

So first of all, congratulations are in order! Yaye for Miss KR (Formerly KG) and TR (always been TR) on their new baby girl! Evangeline! Yaye! And yes Nicky, Congratulations on being a new big brother!





- - -



Now on with other such things...





FUCK YOU WEATHER!!!!!!! I'm supposed to leave soon...this....this...this snow equals a lack of leaving. What the hell.



fuck.

Alright. So i guess its' been a while since I've filled in my life events. So lets start with wednesday.

Got a new tat. Went to work. Good day.

Thursday, hung the f*ck over (nothing new I suppose....I think I drink to much) Good start to days off work though. Nothing too interesting happened...tried to hide from going out... failed miserably, ended up at the bar...

Thursdays are 2.25$ highballs at one bar 3$ highballs at another... so it rolled like this: 3$ highballs, shot, shot, shot, highball, shot shot.... next bar... 2.25 highball, shot shot shot shot shot shot highball highball highball. Holy fucking 3 drinks in front of me, shot shot shot, highball. two drinks in front of me shot shot shot, highball, one drink infront of me, shot shot, what the hell, two drinks infront of me again?! shot shot shot, finished highballs. AFTER PARTY!!

Got shit faced drunk. Bahaha, good night though. Stole a 60 pounder from randoms. Bahaha. Fucking randoms.

Friday, hung over, succseeded at hiding at home, mostly due to work at 730 am on saturday.

Saturday rolls around Start talking to jerkface again. Supposed to go out for lunch just me and jerkface to talk about thing... he brings a friend. nothing gets talked about. what a jerkface chickenshit. Like really? You can't just man up and say what you got to say to my face?

Oh right, that would imply that you actually ment some of the shit that you say. Bah.

Ditch bars on sat night, and the people that I frequent the bars with. Go somewhat out of town and crash at a friends house. We started drinkin at 8, beer run at 930, tipsy by 10, drunk by 11ish (damn those shots. why shots all the time?! Fuck) hammed by 12ish and we were both succsessfully shitfaced by 1. early night by most standards. bahahaha.

Work hungover = shit.

Today = last day of work. But once again.... oh right... I CANT LEAVE HERE BECAUSE OF THE SNOW.

Not just because I'm way to chicken shit to drive in it, but because the highways are closed. Yes, so now, I'm stuck. Stranded here to deal with jerkface. Damnit.

I mean really. Fuck. He didnt really make any effort until other people said something about thinking I was a sweet chick and that they were sad to see me go. And then i guess the random off hand comment of "maybe I can convince her to stay" seemed to help jerkface get ahold of me, and be an even bigger jerkface.

I hate games. I hate hate hate hate games.

It all goes back to my last post though.... JUST SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING MEAN!! god damnit.

All in all, it is my last day of work though, and if the big boss did make it into town today, then I have a nice reference letter sitting at work waiting for me. :) It pays to have worked for the same company for almost three years.

God what a long time to do the same job...

Anyways, point was... something about snow and a dislike for jerkface... and thinkin' that why couldn't everyone that is trying to convince me to stay, have started in december....oh right, they didn't think I was serious when I said it.

WELL I WAS!

:)

-S

'Cause Baby, I Just Don't Under-fucking-stand You.

I don't. I just don't understand. Where does it go through your head that you can just tell me everything from you love me, to I'll always be your girl....and then turn around and act completely different, and just pretend you didn't say a damn thing?

Can anyone help me understand? oh wait, let me guess. Its just the male phyche. Its just what they do. Its just the normal games they play.

Bullshit. All of it. B-U-L-L S-H-I-T.

I'm so frusterated at this point in time. Its never until someone else shows any form of slight potential of interest in me that all this shit comes out. And y'know what, half of the people I've been talking to lately are just friends. But no, as soon as there could be a possible threat to the throne, it just becomes "Lets fuck with Sammys Heart" day. and all the stops come out, and I'm forced to listen to a bunch of crap that really has no sustinance to it.... but it makes me kinda giggle and feel all girlie... Like I'm loved or some shit.
I mean he says it. says he means it, but actions speak louder than words... and actions say that he doesn't give a fuck....untill im not there, then i hear all this shit about how much he does love me... and I just want some honest truth to my life. I have big changes in my life coming up. Big changes in my life that have yet to be made, and half the information im getting could be a big sway in how things actually turn out... But I need to know that if I make that choice, that its going to not be a fuck around like it has been.

But hey, they say that the way a man acts now is how hes going to be 20 years from now. And I don't really want to deal with this same ol' shit 20 years from now.

But why spend so much time chasing me if its not true? FUCK
I just don't understand. or wait, maybe I just inadvertantly answered my own question. Maybe thats all hes looking for.

I just need to get baked, munch out, and go to bed. I should not leave the house in such a messed up mood, or I'm going to go on a rampage and start hunting down everyone thats pissed me off in the last little while.

I don't understand love games. I don't get why people can't just say what they mean and stick up for what they say. why does everything have to be such a game? Why does everyone have to say something and then be coy about it? WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST SAY WHAT THEY MEAN?! is it really that hard? really?!

But apparently... Yes, it is, unless you're my brother in law...who is constantly being told "DARIN!!! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!!" to which, his reply is simple... "BUT I MEAN IT!"

I suppose that tattoo of the heart in webs with the cross-bones behind it is a good representation of this whole situation. LOVE STINKS.

and if there was ever someone that could change my mind.... Fuck that, I don't think there is anymore. And that was not an emo statement, I just honestly think Love stinks. But hey, thats why I've given up on dating and men...and women. I completely skipped being a lesbian for being a nun. bahahaha. I'd have to believe in something to be a nun. I'd have to be well behaved, untattooed and drink a hell of a lot less to be a nun.

I'm not ready to give up my drinking at said point in time either. I mean, if I had a good reason, I would. And as of now, the only reason I have to pretty well quit drinking comes in september when I go to school. :)

I Can't WAIT to leave this shitty little town and make some good changes for myself.

Yaye me. :)

-S

Sometimes....

I've come to a few conclusions lately. Drinking.... is not going to solve all my problems, its time to slow my roll. And a majority of people, don't really give a flying leap of a cliff wether you're around or not.

Its just not worth it for me to wait endlessly for someone who tells me one thing and then does another. the origional agreement was best... and then they had to go fuck it all up.

Really though, thank goodness for family. I'd be so lost without them right now. :) super hung over though, and dont much feel like blogging. I swear this will get more interesting once my journey out of merritt actually starts.

by the way....Mother Nature.... if you had a face.... I'd punch it.

k-thnk-you-baiiii <3

-S

doing this blog thing totally hammed.

Yup. so i happen to be shit faced drunk and totally blogging.

After all, this is a blog of my life, and what I do. so here it is, quarter after 5 am, still up, still drunk and still got half a bottle to go. damn all those 2.25 highballs.

honestly, thank god for the women in my life, i love them. all of them. near and far. :) Bahhahaha. im off this shit for now. This is my journey, and I'm lovin' it!!

Getting ready to leave... and heres why.

So, lets just start somewhere near the start of my severe dislike for this place;

1. This shitty little town blows big donkey balls.
2. Best friends aren't supposed to get all complicatedly close, date, and then fuck shit up completely.
3. What the hell was I really going to do here anyways?

So thats my feelings the morning I wake up and decide that yes, I really am leaving. That I am no longer going to just talk about it anymore, I am actually gone, just a matter of time. The consensus on that is as follows: fuck this shit.

I suppose my story actually starts way back when I was like 15... But thats boring, and a bunch of junk no one wants to read up on, let alone that I actually want to write out.... Whats important is now, and this journey that I am about to embark on and chronical to whom ever it is that decides to read this.

By the way, I could really couldn't give two shits about anyone who has anything negative to say about this blog.... This is completely for me, and not for you. So there.

Anyways, lets get back to the story of my life. Shall we do a quick overview of 2010? Sure, because you really wont understand my 3 reasons for hating this little town as much if you don't know whats been going on.

2010 starts, its going pretty good. Except I had this idiot for a boyfriend. And I mean idiot. Bold, italicized and underlined doesn't even describe how much of an idiot he really was. That jerkface. Anyways, point was, things were decent between us I suppose. They weren't all bad, we did have a few good times. Would have been better if his head wasn't shoved so far up his ass. But hey, thats besides the point.
I'm with Idiot. I have a good job as an Assistant Manager. Familys all healthy. Suns is starting to shine, winters gone away, Summers here!
Still with Idiot, still Assistant Manager.
Then it starts. Dad gets diagnosed with M.S. For those of you who don't know what M.S is, take a minute to google it. I'm not going to explain it to you, do some research and figure it out. Point is, my dad is my hero and this news is heartbreaking.
Idiot, instead of being there for me while im sitting endlessly in the hospital with my dad, is a big dink and decides that I've found someone to cheat on him with, and thats why I wanted to go the hospital.
So an arguement starts, which leads to a fight, and leads to me having enough of Idiots jealousy and lack of money saving skills, and not having a job. Yes, I'm just going to throw that one out there now. In 9 months, how do you get away with working for maybe the whole of 3 weeks, and living of my shitty little wage? (If I could see him now, I'd punch him in the face... repetitivly.) But hey, thats just my thoughts on that one.
SO anyways, like I was saying, I get sick of all this, and the stress of my Daddy being sick doesn't help the situation either. So I pack all my stuff into my car, and move out.
Totally got screwed around on that too by the way. He didnt pay his half of the rent, let someone else live in the house, who had a dog that chewed on all the baseboards. Cost me 1/2 my damage deposit and nearly the new house I was about to move into.
But that ended up working out fine, It ended up that I got to move into the place he wanted, got to buy the car he wanted, and got to keep my puppy....That he also wanted to take. Bah, take that Idiot. I got it all.
Then my friend Mark has a car accident. Loses half his ear, is the hospital for a couple days. Ugh, more stress. All the while through this my sister is pregnant and my brother moves to Vancouver.
Then things smooth out for awhile. and for awhile, I mean the month of september. When October hits, shit also hits the fan.
My best friend Kirsty and her daughter Kiara pass away in a horrid car accident. Fucking cars. Fucking car "accidents" anyways, rough time for me... But I hold it together for everyone around me. Always a silver lining, always strength in me when others need it. October 2010 is also 1 year since my grandmum passed away. Bad bad month.
Survived October, but the itch to leave is kicking in. Mark and Lesley have moved in with me... Still single at this point in time and still Assistant Manager.
November I date my friends widow, doesn't last long because the "Break down of Me" has started. That ends.
January rolls around. Oh look 2011. Find out who is fake and who is real. Fair enough. Best friend and I toy around, play around, work hard and play harder. He grows a pair and asks me out. That lasted the whole of a week. So much for growing a pair man.
I'm so frusterated with this town at that point, that I pretty much call it quits. Tell my manager that I'm applying for jobs online and if I get one I'm gone. Shes down for that, understands. Shes the Lesley of the Mark and Lesley that lives with me.
Yes, i was living with my bestfriend/manager and her boyfriend/my other bestfriend. (yes, should've maybe possibly thought about how that one would blow up)
Same night we're all out partying in Feb 2011 that my best-friend/boyfriend breaks up with me, Lesley and I get in a huge arguement/fight and I leave.
There was drama, thank god (if there is one) for real friends who you can wake up at five am and crash on their couch when you need it. Also, thank god for friends who text you for five hours trying to figure out where you are, and then drive through town looking for your car. Just thank god for real friends.
So ya, decide to say fuck it about everything, hand in my two-weeks at work, apply to a uni six hours away, and find a place I can stay for a bit until I get set up.
But then it hits me.... these real friends... they wont be there. I'll be pretty much alone there. Did that last time I moved out of town, but.... I was younger and dumber.... ahhh whatever right? Just go with the flow.

So I'm sitting here now, and i've just realized I've totally lost track of all the things I was sayin' and the point to this whole entry.

So I'm pretty sure the point was something along the lines of, I realize that I have to live my life to the fullest not for anyone else, but for me. For the enjoyment of me and soul. Until the point that I can actually find someone to share it with. Which is not on the agenda for a LONG ass time, just so ya know.

Anyways, I have 6 days left in this shit-hole, 4 days of work left and then March 1st..... I'm outta here. Everythings packed and in storage, just have to finish up my laundry and clean out my car.... and then I'm ready to go.

Lifes an adventure right? So I might as well take a chance and live it, and if I fail.... Well atleast I fucking tried.

Sincerely,
Samantha B.