Hate me today.

It shouldn't hurt this much.

But it does.

What else is there to say?

It shouldn't... but it does.

Stand Tall.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with AS.

AS is Ankylosing Spondylitis, and defined as;

  A type of chronic arthritis of the spine and the sacroiliac joints (in the pelvis). The inflammation of the vertebrae (spondylitis) can eventually lead to the fusion of the vertebrae - they cement together (ankylosis). This type of chronic arthritis affects the bones, muscles and ligaments. The long-term inflammation in the spine and sacroiliac joints cause severe pain and stiffness in the spinal area.

If you would like to know more, please do look it up. It is one of those silent diseases such as MS or Cancer, that no one sees until you are crippled or incapable. 

Anyways, what AS means to me, is a lifestyle change. I finally have a face  to put on the pain I have been feeling for the past months.

Sometimes its hard for people to understand how I'm feeling as I'm only 22, they feel that I shouldn't know this pain, that I'm exaggerating or that I'm lying. Most of the time when people ask me whats wrong and I say that my back hurts or whatever, I get told to buck up, or get over it, or stop lying.

Now I can cay I have AS, and today its bothering me. 

I have another two months or so to go before I get to see my specialist, so I've decided to be proactive, I'm going to find a physiotherapist, get a swim pass (I've done a lot of reading in the past two days that says swimming is excellent for sufferers of AS), find a naturopath, and change my diet. 

Its going to be hard battle until I find a proper combination of things to keep the pain down/stop the pain.
I'd prefer not to take the medications that cause liver failure and MS and heart disease and heart failure until i absolutely have to, so my answer is to do everything I possibly can until I am forced to take the medications.

I find marijuana helps the pain, activity keeps me from being stiff,  mornings are the worst and with help I will be able to function as I used to. I'm thinking possibly swimming twice a week and yoga one to two times a week, but before I start yoga I would like to talk to the specialist to verify that it is acceptable activity for a person with AS.

I'm not whining if that is what you think this is, this is hope for the future, some days from here on out, they will be about pain, but whether or not anyone reads this, I'm going to chronical this journey, and if over the course of time if it helps anyone, then I will be glad, and even if no one ever sees this... at the very least I have a release and way to voice my pain and frustrations, my failures and success and every stop in between.


-S

Without You it ain't alot.

Yup, another strand of music lyrics for a title. Thats just how I roll.

I'm waiting for my bubbly bath to cool down, so I decieded to blog... As I apparently never sleep at night. makes for a hell of a long work day when you have to start at 5 am. But hey, atleast today is my friday & I don't have to go to work for the next two days. Yaaayyyyeeee.

I don't really know what to write about. Life I guess?

Its going good. My best friend Amy and her boyfriend are now engaged, so I guess he is her fiance. Big congrats to them! He proprosed infront of the castle at Disneyland, how absolutely special! <3
I'm very happy for them today.

- - -

Not a whole lot is new and interesting in my life. Just same old work & nothing. haha.

Chevy & I are going to move in together when the lease on my house is up in April 2013. That will put us just at our two year mark. Can honestly say I've never been happier.

Its a nice change to actually be able to rely on someone. I've always been the rock, always been holding shit together some where along the lines, and with Chevy... we just, we do it together. I love him & he loves me.

- - -

Its 3 am. I should probably catch a few winks of shut eye, but I can't sleep. Everyone else I know is sleeping, no one to have late night text convos with. which sucks, because I love my late night text convos.

Sit in the bubbly bath, have a rum and coke and some good conversation with friends that are miles away.

God how I miss them.

Its weird not being able to jump in my car and go visit for a day. But thats life, you grow up and get out and either you stay in touch or you don't. Amazingly I have the best of friends and we text and talk and call and skype and facebook, and its like there is no distance at all. But its always different, never quite the same as being there.

I'm stoked though, sept 17 to 26 I have a road trip planned, get to see all my friends and make some new ones, 'cause you can't randomly travel and not make friends!!

- - -

I'm trying to keep up on this blog. Trying and doing are two different things I know...I've done fairly well lately, but not good enough I suppose. I've been rather down lately, just lots of random shit going on and I just couldn't muster the energy to bitch to no one.

I say no one as I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that reads this....

And thats fine by me. As I've said time and time again, this whole thing is here for me, and not really anyone else. If they choose to read great, if not, great.

- - -

Bubbly bath still isn't cool enough. Damn hot water being so hot.

Well, I could ramble on, but I think I'm going to leave it at this, going to chill to my tunes and wait for my bubbly bath, off to visit my sister & the family out there tomorrow.

-S

Whats your explanation?

Sometimes,


Shit gets way to real, way to fast.


End of story.


-S

And if it crumbled to the sea...

Well fuck, its been a while again. I know, im horrible at keeping up on my blog.

Its been pretty easy going the last few months, not a whole lot of crazy.

Jeremy randomly showed up & i go to visit him which was super cool cause i havent seen him in three years.

Then he left and i didnt realize how lonely its been without all my friends.

Dont get me wrong, I love Chevy, and he is my friend, my best friend, but Im social, I need more friends too.

So now im planning a road trip to go see everyone because its been at least a year or longer and im going crazy. Im a wee bit lonely. but not lonely like absolutely alone, I have Chev & he is wonderful & i love him and all is well.

but its time to go visit all the fuckers that i never get to see anymore. its hard to go from seeing someone everyday, to seeing them maybe once every two years.

oh boo is me.

get over it. i know.

figured id just update. see ya f*ckers soon!

-S

Black Hole Sun...Won't You Come....

I'm possibly the worst offender for using lyrics as my titles. oh well.

I've been down the last few days, well about a week actually. I think part of it has to do with the quitting smoking & the other part is I've become quite attached to blogging, I try to do it daily (i feel its effects better than my multi-vitamin) but I haven't been able to get on to it on my laptop for 'bout a week now.

-Insert cry face here-

I read, and deleted some of the blogs I've had over the years. God was I ever have a lot of angst & hate for the world. For everything really.

I had no fear of showing it either.

Not that I do now, I'm over being a punching bag & taking every bodys shit, if I've got a problem you'll know, but i digress, Once apon a time I was sixteen, and a very very angry girl.

I'm thankful that I am not there anymore.

Fuck today, I'm thankful I got on to write in this blog no one follows.

I've come to the conclusion this is for me, & no one else. & i'm okay with that.

Its how I come to terms with myself.

Sometimes we have some amazing revelations here.

Well got to go collect my love from the couch and move him to bed.

Sweetest dreams readers.

xoxo

-S

16 Year old me rambles on. 08/04/2006

My creativity runs to an extent. I don't run around and act like a moron, because, I don't think I'm physically or mentally capable of it. I've been raised to act and be inteligent. I've been raised to be me.
I don't need every little materialistic item I see, like half the other people I know, I try to keep my priorities straight - although I don't always succseed, and I don't have to be a cat behind a persons back - I am to their face. When I have a problem, I let you know. I just don't act like nothings wrong and then tell everyone else behind your back... That would just be pointless.
I like the shade black, I like the colours lime green, hot pink, orange. I like it when it rains, no, when it pours.I adore kisses and being kissed in the pouring rain. I like snow, it looks beautiful and pure. I love it when the wind blows my hair and I love the sound of my horse when he whinnies when he sees me and I love watching him run towards me. I love being alive and sometimes I hate it. But who doesn't?
I have my own horse, Tucker, he lives in a large corral in my back yard; my own dog, Spook, she lives in the house and outside; and two cats, Cheech and Chong, they are inside cats - the only thing their useful for is keeping the mice away.
I live on a ranch with cows, we have chickens, and more horses than just mine, and a rooster. I hate that rooster.
I love my friends, Even though their a 20 mintue drive away, but they do whatever they can to come pick me up or make sure I can get home. They're the bestest. And sometimes I can't stand them... But thats just because I'm me.
I find its easier to give advice than to follow it, and that its easier to be liked for who youre not. So I'm hated for who I am and Liked for who I'm not. I'd rather someone see the real me, then a fake person, a shell of who I am.
I don't like to show the real deep and personal raw me. The best way to figure me and my life out, is through my poetry and my writings. If anything, all the strength and courage that I show to my friends, I've learned alot in the last 16 years of my grade 11 life. Inside, I swallow that scared little girl, inside I tell myself that I have to survive for me, its not about spiteing those that don't want you around, its not about proving that you're better than that, its about telling yourself that you are good enough. Its about living for what makes you happy, and being happy because youre living. All the huge depressing things in life, they don't matter, its all those small things that make you happy, the tiniest thing that you're supposed to grasp onto and love to bits, like the wind through your hair, or the sun on your face... Its those things that make life worth living for. Its not who is beside you or what so-and-so said, its about the magical things in life. Its about living today as if its the last day. Its about that feeling when you lay down at night and say "I'll look back on this and smile because its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Its about the day that you lay your head on your death-bed and reveiw your life and go "I lived it to the fullest and I had the best time of my life." Its about being happy wit the music in your head and always remembering that all we have is today. Its about being yourself in the big pictures, and doing what makes you happy in the small picture. Its about taking the good with the bad and the bad with the good. In the end all that matters is that you lived your life the way you wanted it, because anything you want to do, you can do.
But thats just the way I see it.

Beach access

It is absolutely beautiful outside.

Such a nice day. Just have to clean up the kitchen a bit and then I think I'm going to go for a wander again.

Its just so energizing when the sun is shining on you.

Oh Sunny days I love you sooooo much!!

xoxo

-S

Road? Who needs road?

I'm feeling sad again today. but at least I'm not a teary eyed bastard today.

Not yet any ways.

jokes. i think.

Ugh, im not even sure why i bother trying to write this.

its just another thing no one cares about.

just another this no one notices.

Just another empty vessel.

-S

Going under.

I'm very down today.

Now that i've worked a 13 hour day, the tears are here. and its not because of work, im just tired, and i'm trying to stop smoking, and  I had two or three, maybe four. I dont know, I just want to stop and it sounds funny but its an addiction non the less, and its hard to stop. I feel like I cant....

Today everyone in my family (& 1/2 the extended family) are having easter dinner. wish I was there.

But im not. so sitting alone in my house, listening to music will have to suffice. just like my peanut butter sandwich had to.

I guess I should just crawl into bed & go to sleep. 4 am comes early.

Im trying so hard to not feel this bad for no reason, but I feel absolutely devastated for no real reason.

I feel so isolated today.

-S

Incentivize that employee!!

got myself a laptop. well a netbook. and an ipod shuffle.

but i did it because im going to quit smoking, and i figure i can either have/do one or the other, 1) keep smoking, 2) quit smoking & have cool stuff.

went for number two.

I know it seems so materialistic, but in the long run not only will it save me money but it will be awesomeness all around. soooo i did it. deal with it.

ive really got no point to writing today. just felt like playing on my netbook, and thought I'd update my blog with random ramblings of nothings.

sweet sweet nothings.

Well, gab atcha later!

-S

And I have to remind myself.

I have to remind myself its okay to feel.

Emotions are normal. however mine may sway to extreme ups and downs, they are the normal for me.

I feel like screaming, i feel like laughing, i feel like crying. all the the same time. and thats just a brief over veiw.

the general feeling is despair. and for no reason.

I have no reason to feel on the negative side of things. I would rather have this than a pill induced version of a happy emotion. Rather this than a fog of days running together.

So I just have to keep telling myself that its okay to feel.

I am okay.

-S

Oh Wake Me Up With Some Mornin' Glory

Oh crue. How I love you <3 \m/ Rock on!

Anyways.

I just wanted to say that I've come a long way. Read Nikki Sixx's book (The Heroin Diaries ) Its a must read.

Lots of self realization came out of that book, not that I've ever used heroin, I haven't and don't plan on it, ever, but there is still lots to relate to at the end of the day. Plus I <3 Nikki Sixx, so I would never pass up the chance to read his book.

Good on ya Nikki, I wish I had the balls to tell my story as real & raw as you have.

Lost the point to this.

Just felt like writing.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be a bit more gathered & prepared to write some shit.

Much loves!

xoxo

-S

Started for me & went elsewhere.

Well hello.

Once again its been ages since I've written, and once again, oh my, how things have changed!

It has 10 months since I've posted last. My how time flies! It is also nearing the 11 month mark for Chev & I. And what I wrote almost a year ago still stands true to this day. I am the happiest woman because when Chev puts his arm around me, I feel. Those words ring true to this very moment in time.

I admire him, and cherish him and adore him.

But now, for whats new?

I've changed jobs, I've gone from managing a gas station/liquor store to being an assistant manager at a Seven Eleven. But hey, its same pay, PLUS benefits at the new job.

Once again I've faced adversity over my age and all the ensuing drama, but that happens, and as with every problem, it has its solutions. I've learned over the many moons just to take things day by day.

- - -

I've started tattooing. Not for everyone and their dogs, but for me. I wanted to do it for me, so I am. I have a great love & respect for the industry & culture of tattoos and artwork. I have a great respect for the artists out there. But As I said, I'm doing this for me.

I got my gear & my inks & all my other instruments for myself, so I can put my own artwork on myself.

I do not apologize if that makes me a "scratcher".

I have been offered a sort of apprenticeship, go in learn about techniques etc etc. & I do go and do that when I'm not working 5-6 days a week or taking care of my family. Its not that I'm not serious or lacking respect or any other such things for the industry & culture, its just that I do have bills that need to be paid & a family to worry about.

A few family members & friends have approached me for tattoos, & the first thing I do is explain to them that I am NOT a professional tattoo artist & their artwork may not turn out completely the way they want it, once they fully understand that risk, should they choose to continue, then we talk about art-work. what they want, what I can and can't do (yet), comfort zones, placement, etc. If I feel that I can not meet their needs, there are professional artists that I direct them to. I have no problem saying "no, you should go see ______"

Like I said, the only reason I got my things were for me, its just happened to go else where.

And for all you nay-sayers out there. Everyone starts some where, you ass-hat.

I'm sure that when you first started out, when the itch first kicked in, when you realized your dream & what you wanted, it started out on yourself and friends and family as well.

Not for all, but for a majority of you it did. So suck it up bastards, because I'm not sorry & I'm not going away.

If I want to put my artwork on myself, then that is my personal business, and like I said, if someone close to me comes to me and expresses interest in my work, then so be it, but if I feel that I can't meet their needs, I send them else where.

Fuck off if you've got something negative to say, you haven't seen my artwork, you haven't see my tattoos, I'm not on here bragging I'm just saying I'm sick of all the negativity & all the backwards elitist-ism going on.

Don't bother to post nasty things in reply, I wont respond to them, I have better things to do than argue online with people.

- - -

Anyways, I'll try to post more frequently...

I should post more frequently, but my time is rather full up these days.

Well, catch ya on the next go round!

-S