Mother Nature.... Fuck You Too.

So first of all, congratulations are in order! Yaye for Miss KR (Formerly KG) and TR (always been TR) on their new baby girl! Evangeline! Yaye! And yes Nicky, Congratulations on being a new big brother!





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Now on with other such things...





FUCK YOU WEATHER!!!!!!! I'm supposed to leave soon...this....this...this snow equals a lack of leaving. What the hell.



fuck.

Alright. So i guess its' been a while since I've filled in my life events. So lets start with wednesday.

Got a new tat. Went to work. Good day.

Thursday, hung the f*ck over (nothing new I suppose....I think I drink to much) Good start to days off work though. Nothing too interesting happened...tried to hide from going out... failed miserably, ended up at the bar...

Thursdays are 2.25$ highballs at one bar 3$ highballs at another... so it rolled like this: 3$ highballs, shot, shot, shot, highball, shot shot.... next bar... 2.25 highball, shot shot shot shot shot shot highball highball highball. Holy fucking 3 drinks in front of me, shot shot shot, highball. two drinks in front of me shot shot shot, highball, one drink infront of me, shot shot, what the hell, two drinks infront of me again?! shot shot shot, finished highballs. AFTER PARTY!!

Got shit faced drunk. Bahaha, good night though. Stole a 60 pounder from randoms. Bahaha. Fucking randoms.

Friday, hung over, succseeded at hiding at home, mostly due to work at 730 am on saturday.

Saturday rolls around Start talking to jerkface again. Supposed to go out for lunch just me and jerkface to talk about thing... he brings a friend. nothing gets talked about. what a jerkface chickenshit. Like really? You can't just man up and say what you got to say to my face?

Oh right, that would imply that you actually ment some of the shit that you say. Bah.

Ditch bars on sat night, and the people that I frequent the bars with. Go somewhat out of town and crash at a friends house. We started drinkin at 8, beer run at 930, tipsy by 10, drunk by 11ish (damn those shots. why shots all the time?! Fuck) hammed by 12ish and we were both succsessfully shitfaced by 1. early night by most standards. bahahaha.

Work hungover = shit.

Today = last day of work. But once again.... oh right... I CANT LEAVE HERE BECAUSE OF THE SNOW.

Not just because I'm way to chicken shit to drive in it, but because the highways are closed. Yes, so now, I'm stuck. Stranded here to deal with jerkface. Damnit.

I mean really. Fuck. He didnt really make any effort until other people said something about thinking I was a sweet chick and that they were sad to see me go. And then i guess the random off hand comment of "maybe I can convince her to stay" seemed to help jerkface get ahold of me, and be an even bigger jerkface.

I hate games. I hate hate hate hate games.

It all goes back to my last post though.... JUST SAY WHAT YOU FUCKING MEAN!! god damnit.

All in all, it is my last day of work though, and if the big boss did make it into town today, then I have a nice reference letter sitting at work waiting for me. :) It pays to have worked for the same company for almost three years.

God what a long time to do the same job...

Anyways, point was... something about snow and a dislike for jerkface... and thinkin' that why couldn't everyone that is trying to convince me to stay, have started in december....oh right, they didn't think I was serious when I said it.

WELL I WAS!

:)

-S

'Cause Baby, I Just Don't Under-fucking-stand You.

I don't. I just don't understand. Where does it go through your head that you can just tell me everything from you love me, to I'll always be your girl....and then turn around and act completely different, and just pretend you didn't say a damn thing?

Can anyone help me understand? oh wait, let me guess. Its just the male phyche. Its just what they do. Its just the normal games they play.

Bullshit. All of it. B-U-L-L S-H-I-T.

I'm so frusterated at this point in time. Its never until someone else shows any form of slight potential of interest in me that all this shit comes out. And y'know what, half of the people I've been talking to lately are just friends. But no, as soon as there could be a possible threat to the throne, it just becomes "Lets fuck with Sammys Heart" day. and all the stops come out, and I'm forced to listen to a bunch of crap that really has no sustinance to it.... but it makes me kinda giggle and feel all girlie... Like I'm loved or some shit.
I mean he says it. says he means it, but actions speak louder than words... and actions say that he doesn't give a fuck....untill im not there, then i hear all this shit about how much he does love me... and I just want some honest truth to my life. I have big changes in my life coming up. Big changes in my life that have yet to be made, and half the information im getting could be a big sway in how things actually turn out... But I need to know that if I make that choice, that its going to not be a fuck around like it has been.

But hey, they say that the way a man acts now is how hes going to be 20 years from now. And I don't really want to deal with this same ol' shit 20 years from now.

But why spend so much time chasing me if its not true? FUCK
I just don't understand. or wait, maybe I just inadvertantly answered my own question. Maybe thats all hes looking for.

I just need to get baked, munch out, and go to bed. I should not leave the house in such a messed up mood, or I'm going to go on a rampage and start hunting down everyone thats pissed me off in the last little while.

I don't understand love games. I don't get why people can't just say what they mean and stick up for what they say. why does everything have to be such a game? Why does everyone have to say something and then be coy about it? WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST SAY WHAT THEY MEAN?! is it really that hard? really?!

But apparently... Yes, it is, unless you're my brother in law...who is constantly being told "DARIN!!! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!!" to which, his reply is simple... "BUT I MEAN IT!"

I suppose that tattoo of the heart in webs with the cross-bones behind it is a good representation of this whole situation. LOVE STINKS.

and if there was ever someone that could change my mind.... Fuck that, I don't think there is anymore. And that was not an emo statement, I just honestly think Love stinks. But hey, thats why I've given up on dating and men...and women. I completely skipped being a lesbian for being a nun. bahahaha. I'd have to believe in something to be a nun. I'd have to be well behaved, untattooed and drink a hell of a lot less to be a nun.

I'm not ready to give up my drinking at said point in time either. I mean, if I had a good reason, I would. And as of now, the only reason I have to pretty well quit drinking comes in september when I go to school. :)

I Can't WAIT to leave this shitty little town and make some good changes for myself.

Yaye me. :)

-S

Sometimes....

I've come to a few conclusions lately. Drinking.... is not going to solve all my problems, its time to slow my roll. And a majority of people, don't really give a flying leap of a cliff wether you're around or not.

Its just not worth it for me to wait endlessly for someone who tells me one thing and then does another. the origional agreement was best... and then they had to go fuck it all up.

Really though, thank goodness for family. I'd be so lost without them right now. :) super hung over though, and dont much feel like blogging. I swear this will get more interesting once my journey out of merritt actually starts.

by the way....Mother Nature.... if you had a face.... I'd punch it.

k-thnk-you-baiiii <3

-S

doing this blog thing totally hammed.

Yup. so i happen to be shit faced drunk and totally blogging.

After all, this is a blog of my life, and what I do. so here it is, quarter after 5 am, still up, still drunk and still got half a bottle to go. damn all those 2.25 highballs.

honestly, thank god for the women in my life, i love them. all of them. near and far. :) Bahhahaha. im off this shit for now. This is my journey, and I'm lovin' it!!

Getting ready to leave... and heres why.

So, lets just start somewhere near the start of my severe dislike for this place;

1. This shitty little town blows big donkey balls.
2. Best friends aren't supposed to get all complicatedly close, date, and then fuck shit up completely.
3. What the hell was I really going to do here anyways?

So thats my feelings the morning I wake up and decide that yes, I really am leaving. That I am no longer going to just talk about it anymore, I am actually gone, just a matter of time. The consensus on that is as follows: fuck this shit.

I suppose my story actually starts way back when I was like 15... But thats boring, and a bunch of junk no one wants to read up on, let alone that I actually want to write out.... Whats important is now, and this journey that I am about to embark on and chronical to whom ever it is that decides to read this.

By the way, I could really couldn't give two shits about anyone who has anything negative to say about this blog.... This is completely for me, and not for you. So there.

Anyways, lets get back to the story of my life. Shall we do a quick overview of 2010? Sure, because you really wont understand my 3 reasons for hating this little town as much if you don't know whats been going on.

2010 starts, its going pretty good. Except I had this idiot for a boyfriend. And I mean idiot. Bold, italicized and underlined doesn't even describe how much of an idiot he really was. That jerkface. Anyways, point was, things were decent between us I suppose. They weren't all bad, we did have a few good times. Would have been better if his head wasn't shoved so far up his ass. But hey, thats besides the point.
I'm with Idiot. I have a good job as an Assistant Manager. Familys all healthy. Suns is starting to shine, winters gone away, Summers here!
Still with Idiot, still Assistant Manager.
Then it starts. Dad gets diagnosed with M.S. For those of you who don't know what M.S is, take a minute to google it. I'm not going to explain it to you, do some research and figure it out. Point is, my dad is my hero and this news is heartbreaking.
Idiot, instead of being there for me while im sitting endlessly in the hospital with my dad, is a big dink and decides that I've found someone to cheat on him with, and thats why I wanted to go the hospital.
So an arguement starts, which leads to a fight, and leads to me having enough of Idiots jealousy and lack of money saving skills, and not having a job. Yes, I'm just going to throw that one out there now. In 9 months, how do you get away with working for maybe the whole of 3 weeks, and living of my shitty little wage? (If I could see him now, I'd punch him in the face... repetitivly.) But hey, thats just my thoughts on that one.
SO anyways, like I was saying, I get sick of all this, and the stress of my Daddy being sick doesn't help the situation either. So I pack all my stuff into my car, and move out.
Totally got screwed around on that too by the way. He didnt pay his half of the rent, let someone else live in the house, who had a dog that chewed on all the baseboards. Cost me 1/2 my damage deposit and nearly the new house I was about to move into.
But that ended up working out fine, It ended up that I got to move into the place he wanted, got to buy the car he wanted, and got to keep my puppy....That he also wanted to take. Bah, take that Idiot. I got it all.
Then my friend Mark has a car accident. Loses half his ear, is the hospital for a couple days. Ugh, more stress. All the while through this my sister is pregnant and my brother moves to Vancouver.
Then things smooth out for awhile. and for awhile, I mean the month of september. When October hits, shit also hits the fan.
My best friend Kirsty and her daughter Kiara pass away in a horrid car accident. Fucking cars. Fucking car "accidents" anyways, rough time for me... But I hold it together for everyone around me. Always a silver lining, always strength in me when others need it. October 2010 is also 1 year since my grandmum passed away. Bad bad month.
Survived October, but the itch to leave is kicking in. Mark and Lesley have moved in with me... Still single at this point in time and still Assistant Manager.
November I date my friends widow, doesn't last long because the "Break down of Me" has started. That ends.
January rolls around. Oh look 2011. Find out who is fake and who is real. Fair enough. Best friend and I toy around, play around, work hard and play harder. He grows a pair and asks me out. That lasted the whole of a week. So much for growing a pair man.
I'm so frusterated with this town at that point, that I pretty much call it quits. Tell my manager that I'm applying for jobs online and if I get one I'm gone. Shes down for that, understands. Shes the Lesley of the Mark and Lesley that lives with me.
Yes, i was living with my bestfriend/manager and her boyfriend/my other bestfriend. (yes, should've maybe possibly thought about how that one would blow up)
Same night we're all out partying in Feb 2011 that my best-friend/boyfriend breaks up with me, Lesley and I get in a huge arguement/fight and I leave.
There was drama, thank god (if there is one) for real friends who you can wake up at five am and crash on their couch when you need it. Also, thank god for friends who text you for five hours trying to figure out where you are, and then drive through town looking for your car. Just thank god for real friends.
So ya, decide to say fuck it about everything, hand in my two-weeks at work, apply to a uni six hours away, and find a place I can stay for a bit until I get set up.
But then it hits me.... these real friends... they wont be there. I'll be pretty much alone there. Did that last time I moved out of town, but.... I was younger and dumber.... ahhh whatever right? Just go with the flow.

So I'm sitting here now, and i've just realized I've totally lost track of all the things I was sayin' and the point to this whole entry.

So I'm pretty sure the point was something along the lines of, I realize that I have to live my life to the fullest not for anyone else, but for me. For the enjoyment of me and soul. Until the point that I can actually find someone to share it with. Which is not on the agenda for a LONG ass time, just so ya know.

Anyways, I have 6 days left in this shit-hole, 4 days of work left and then March 1st..... I'm outta here. Everythings packed and in storage, just have to finish up my laundry and clean out my car.... and then I'm ready to go.

Lifes an adventure right? So I might as well take a chance and live it, and if I fail.... Well atleast I fucking tried.

Sincerely,
Samantha B.